Respecting your significant other
The support you receive during your search will come not just from your investors, other searchers, personal friends, and other advisors, but also from the “significant other” in your life, whether that be your spouse, fiancé or a long-term relationship. While not at your side during the day, they are with you in the evenings, weekends and early mornings as you head off for another day of searching for the business you want to own.
You owe it to your “life” partner to prepare them for what to expect as you start down the search path, which the Stanford study on search says averages 9 years, with 7 spent running the business. Paul Thomson at Scottish American attributes the early stages of his search process as the primary cause for him becoming “un-engaged” with his fiancée at the time. It does not have to be like this.
For this blog post, I reached out to a dozen “significant others” of searchers, including my own, who were willing to share their own observations, some with attribution and others without, about how the search impacted their partners and themselves, and what advice they might give to others. A few searchers also agreed to share their own tips and observations on how to navigate these relationships through “for better or for worse and for search!” This post can be used to raise the issues and initiate the dialog with your own life partner.
Key decision points are about you and “us”
As covered in blog posts on When to search? and Is search right for you?, there are lot of questions that you have to ask yourself about both timing and advisability of searching. You certainly want to be making this commitment for the correct reasons. More importantly, you want these answers for both yourself and your significant other.
Many searchers see the requirement to relocate as a deal breaker for “us”. Oftentimes, this comes up after finishing an MBA program that also required a relocation, with the promise that the next step would be a more permanent location. The desire to “settle down” into a stable location is very strong for all but perhaps those with military backgrounds. Investors of funded searchers are expecting no restrictions in geography. A self-funded search can help limit geography and reduce uncertainty.
Diana Medoff reflected, “Not knowing when or where we were going to settle down was the most difficult aspect for me.” Risa Roppongi, who is married to Jake Nicholson, said, “Never knowing where in the world we would be next, when and how my career would be impacted was very hard.” Holly Byrd summed it up well, “I would find out that he was looking at a company in Detroit and would immediately begin to picture what our lives would be like there and what I would do with my career. Only then to learn a week later that the deal fell through and he was now looking at a company in Texas. It was a constant roller-coaster.”
As a searcher, you may be a different person
Searchers act differently while searching, as one spouse said, “Get used to your partner having more frequent mood swings for reasons you don’t understand.” Another said, “The frequent rejection is emotionally draining”. One reflected, “He was frustrated, no matter how hard he worked – owners would just not sell to him”. Even after finalizing the deal, but before closing, a spouse observed “I feel like I was actively observing his stress.”
There is a heightened time commitment to search, a lack of routine and very long work hours resulting in an inability to commit to social events. Mary Ellen (Hammond) Mondi reflected that “Andrew was the hardest boss (on himself) he’d ever had, and he needed my help with establishing boundaries. He could have easily worked all the time on his search”. Crowding into her own time, Risa Roppongi pointed out that, “Jake’s hours were much less defined than traditional work hours with frequent calls during family/weekend time”. Another said: “A very rigid daily/weekly schedule affected his sleep schedules, phone call availability and our recreational choices”.
Living with the “always on” searcher was difficult for a significant other who said, “Just not being able to commit to future events limited our participation in family and social activities and cut into our leisure time together.” Risa Roppongi added, “Scheduling became a frequent challenge with lots of unpredictable travel”. Another reflected that “I had to get used to him being away at random times.”
One spouse saw how difficult it was for her partner to be “Working alone, he was feeling very isolated”. Another pointed out that “It was a difficult transition to work in a secluded environment given their previous work experience – it was lonely to work as a searcher”. Another observed: “I felt like I was sometimes the only person he could talk about his feelings with”.
Money issues, a common source of strain in relationships, can be heightened in the search process, especially self-funded. As one significant other said: “He became committed to spending money in the most frugal ways possible.” Another reflected, “Getting used to living on a budget, unlike before business school, was quite a change for both of us.” One commented, “We really were changing our lifestyle to cut back expenses so that we didn’t dive into our savings”.
Not everyone saw hardship, as Holly Byrd reported “I have noticed that Jon’s confidence has risen. I have seen him grow and develop into an even stronger person.” Mary Ellen (Hammond) Mondi also saw significant positive changes: “His creative problem solving side came out as he tackled marketing, financing and leadership questions. It was awesome to me how much he grew in each of those areas as he pushed himself to learn more, think differently and be nimble.” Clearly, the search path to entrepreneurship may be paved with self-development!
A difficult path for many
Many searchers underestimate the challenges in a relationship of embarking on search. One significant other observed, “The first few weeks/months are really, really hard, and were a massive disruption to a partnership”. As Andrew Mondi pointed out, “It is a good time to be brutally honest with each other.”
Another shared, “I kept thinking that he is so excited about this, so what happens if it doesn’t work out? Will he be depressed, question himself and his decisions?”. Other doubts lingered, “Has he made the right decision to do this? What happens if he doesn’t succeed in this?”.
Just explaining the search process may be a struggle. One spouse said, “The inability for friends and relatives to understand the search process was frustrating.” Another commented, “I had to think if I was really comfortable with the idea that my partner does not have a steady “corporate” job. Knowing what you will say to friends/family when they inevitably ask what your partner does?”
Seek advice from CSO’s (Chief Significant Other)
As a way to “pay it forward”, spouses and significant others are generally willing to share their observations. Many reflected how important it was for them to seek out others in their situation. They recognized the value of the searcher learning from other searchers but also how effective for them it was to be able to speak with other spouses/partners. I recommend that searchers provide their significant others with 3 contacts for “due diligence” before they make their own final commitment to search.
Some shared the need to have their own distractions. One said, “Have your own life.” Holly Byrd observed, “I had to concentrate on my career and the now, rather than plan too far ahead. We also spent time working through what we thought was our worst-case scenario to help us see that even it was worth risk, after all, what did Jon go to Business School for? Why did you give up so much, if after graduation you go back to business as usual?” Diana Medoff goes further, “Create a ‘Zen Head Space’. Don’t get too excited or upset about any particular deal.” Another found that, “Once I became absorbed in my own goal/project, it was much easier to disengage from the search stuff!”
Around the time commitments, Diana Medoff says, “Don’t get too attached to deadlines. We made them and blew through them regularly.” Mary Ellen and Andrew Mondi found “We put a premium on setting aside quality time together every day we were together (since we both traveled) – to cook dinner with each other once I got home from work, go to the gym, on a walk or go play 9 holes of golf before it got too dark”.
Many spoke of making trade-offs and compromises as part of this process as Risa Roppongi said, “Agree on clarity about the partner’s career and life plans after acquisition.” Another reflected, “Consider that you are setting out on a joint ambitious venture – not sacrificing your own goals for someone else’s.”
On a more practical level, one partner shared, “Get an office! The search is a job and should be treated as such. ‘For better or for worse, but not for lunch.’ Put in a work day and then come home and leave the job at the office – as much as you can”. Another says, “When closing is over, ensure you take some time to yourselves and to take a vacation. The process of closing the deal is very stressful for everyone involved so it is important to take some time after to decompress, relax and celebrate!” Also, “Get used to living on a budget!” And finally, Risa Roppongi said “Talk about plan B in the event that the acquisition does not happen.”
Lessons and observations from searchers
Adam Barker, a self-funded searcher, learned some ways to lighten the burden of being frugal, “Write-off money each week and quarter to treat your partner and Birthdays/holidays. Use your own time and do things that don’t cost anything – i.e. maintain the house, clean the car, change tires, etc.”
Jake Nicholson shared, “I’d also say the amount of search detail you should share with your partner depends largely on his or her personality. In my case, the more I shared the more nervous Risa became, so we agreed to share on an as-needed basis.” Doren Spinner observed, “A fresh set of eyes and the opinion from someone who isn’t living it all day long can offer some real insight. Your spouse doesn’t need an MBA to explain the actions of the seller/investor/banker that seems strange to you”.
One searcher attributed his long-term enduring relationship as being very helpful, saying “We had been through lots of ups and downs, so this was not our first rodeo. Things would have been a lot different if say, we had met in business school a year or two prior to starting a search. That could have been very tough.”
Andrew Mondi reflected, “A huge amount going on during my search for both of us, this whole effort would have been unsuccessful without Mary Ellen”. Finally, another said “We now feel a stronger bond for having gone through such an amazing accomplishment.”
From my own experience, I learned that relationships take significant effort and cannot be taken for granted. It is hard work and demands strong communication with each other. Recognizing the value of sharing what the search process is about can be a great first step toward starting the dialog with your partner.
Feel free to share some of your own best practices or experiences in dealing with these issues in the blog comments. I encourage comments and dialog, allowing all to learn from both my views and the views of others – a virtuous learning cycle. Jump right in!